temporary marriage

i went to a wedding on saturday,
and i was struck by how temporary marriage is.
not because of rising divorce rates, but because life itself is temporary.
all the aspects of the day, while significant, were set in the context of the bigger picture; which is this life as a vapour and eternity as what counts. i suppose part of it was me having in mind the conversion of this girl, and how real all these truths are to her, and how the kingdom is what we're waiting for. marriage is daunting and lifelong on one hand, but on the other hand it's a brief partnership before a greater wedding and a land of substance without end.

sun or shade

do you know that feeling when you're lying in the sun and there are clouds moving overhead and it goes from full force sun to cool cloudy shade? and somewhere between the two it passes so slowly that you're not quite sure which it is. and at some moments you need to open your eyes to check whether you're feeling the full force of the sun on your skin or if it's cloudy. and without looking it can be hard to tell if you're lying in light or shade. and it's impossible to know (if it is cloudy) whether it's a small cloud covering you or a long stretch that means there will be no more sun for a while. there's something about my skin lying there blind that isn't accurate enough to know after a while. i think that's how i feel spiritually a lot of the time.

happy birthday

Evening, May 12

“Fear not to go down into Egypt; for I will there make of thee a great nation: I will go down with thee into Egypt; and I will also surely bring thee up again.”

Genesis 46:3,4

Jacob must have shuddered at the thought of leaving the land of his father’s sojourning, and dwelling among heathen strangers. It was a new scene, and likely to be a trying one: who shall venture among couriers of a foreign monarch without anxiety? Yet the way was evidently appointed for him, and therefore he resolved to go. This is frequently the position of believers now—they are called to perils and temptations altogether untried: at such seasons let them imitate Jacob’s example by offering sacrifices of prayer unto God, and seeking his direction; let them not take a step until they have waited upon the Lord for his blessing: then they will have Jacob’s companion to be their friend and helper. How blessed to feel assured that the Lord is with us in all our ways, and condescends to go down into our humiliations and banishments with us! Even beyond the ocean our Father’s love beams like the sun in its strength. We cannot hesitate to go where Jehovah promises his presence; even the valley of deathshade grows bright with the radiance of this assurance. Marching onwards with faith in their God, believers shall have Jacob’s promise. They shall be brought up again, whether it be from the troubles of life or the chambers of death. Jacob’s seed came out of Egypt in due time, and so shall all the faithful pass unscathed through the tribulation of life, and the terror of death. Let us exercise Jacob’s confidence. “Fear not,” is the Lord’s command and his divine encouragement to those who at his bidding are launching upon new seas; the divine presence and preservation forbid so much as one unbelieving fear. Without our God we should fear to move; but when he bids us to, it would be dangerous to tarry. Reader, go forward, and fear not.

billy graham

Billy Graham's Prayer For [y]Our Nation

'Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance. We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done. We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values. We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery. We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.. We have killed our unborn and called it choice. We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable. We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem. We have abused power and called it politics... We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.. We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression. We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment. Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and Set us free. Amen!'

if not this, then what?

have you ever had that feeling of being at a party and everyone's there dressed in all that they wear, and there's music that we all love and there are drinks and there's food going around. and you're standing there with a beautiful house and lovely smiles all around you. and you sort of step out of the flow for a moment and you realise- you're really alone. and you think 'no one here really understands how i work' and 'all this stuff that we do doesn't make me feel any better in the long run'. and you look around yourself and it feels very meaningless all of a sudden. the whole concept of hanging around a noisy room seems less fun. it even begins to feel a bit like we're trying to distract each other. as if it's a collective effort to keep each other from thinking about both: how heavy life is, and how we're packing it full with meaningless things. and it begs the question that if this isn't making sense of life and bringing meaning, then what is, or what can?

strength

the difficulty of repentance

why am i so reluctant to come back to God?

How can my heart be so short-sighted that I can choose anything over eternal joy? I know (for certain) that repenting and coming back to God is not just right, but it’s good. I know that taking those difficult steps to say to Him “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to wander off again” and taking that time out to hear His word will be infinitely worthwhile. I know that drawing near to Him is right (James 4:8) and I know that before long I’ll be rejoicing in clarity and hope and peace and love and forgiveness. but I don’t do it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who stumbles back to Him with plans in my mind of how I’ll run away next time.
I’m so amazed by my love of sin.
at the points of strongest friendship with God there is nothing about sin that I desire. It’s not as if I spend my time with God convincing myself I’m happy; I am happy, I have all I need (Him). But before that stage my heart says “no. you’re going to miss out. He can’t be trusted” and I listen.
It’s better now to live for and with God, it’s better in eternity. It’s worse for me now to live in sin (“what benefit did you gain from the things that you are now ashamed of?”) and in eternity it’s horrific (“those things result in death”).
I am like the people in Zechariah 7:12 who made their hearts “diamond hard”
and I need to hear God’s call from 1:4 “return from your evil ways and from your evil deeds”.
But to do that I need a new heart. I can’t choose that or do that on my own. I need a saviour from a murdered in my ribcage. I need a heart of blood and life and flesh and muscle. And I need to be taken by the hand and lead back to my Father.

being loved

you know what you need to be loved?
for someone to know you.
and you know what happens when you're not known?
you're not loved. no matter how much people say they like you.
because you know they only like the pretend version of yourself that you let them see.
so all the effort you put into making sure people only see your good parts is actually effort being put into ensuring that you won't ever properly be loved

corrupt principle

"This kind of endeavour for mortification proceeds from a corrupt principle, ground, and foundation; so that it will never proceed to a good issue. The true and acceptable principles of mortification shall be afterward insisted on. Hatred of sin as sin, not only a galling or disquieting, a sense of the love of Christ in the cross, lies at the bottom of all true spiritual mortification. Now, it is certain that that which I speak of proceeds from self-love. You set yourself with all diligence and earnestness to mortify such a lust or sin; what is the reason for it? It disquiets you, it has taken away your peace, it fills your heart with sorrow and trouble and fear; you have no rest because of it. Yea, but friend, you have neglected prayer or reading; you have been vain and loose in your conversation in other things, that have not been of the same nature with that lust wherewith you are perplexed. These are no less sins and evils than those under which you groan. Jesus Christ bled for them also. Why do you not set yourself against them also? If you hate din as sin, every evil way, you would be no less watchful against everything that grieves and disquiets the Spirit of God, than against that which grieves and disquiets your own soul. It is evident that you contend against sin merely because of your own trouble but. Would your conscience be quiet under it, you would let it alone. Did it not disquiet you; it should not be disquieted by you. No can you think that God will set in with such hypocritical endeavours - that ever his Spirit will bear witness to the treachery and falsehood of your spirit? Do you think he will ease you of that which perplexes you, that you may be at liberty to that which no less grieves him? No. God says "here is one if he could be rid of this lust I should never hear of him more; let him wrestle with this, or he is lost." Let not any man think to do his own work that will not do God's. God's work consists in universal obedience; to be freed of the present perplexity is their own only. Hence is that of the apostle: "cleanse yourselves from all pollution of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God" (2 Cor. 7:1). If we will do anything, we must do all things. So, then, it is not only an intense opposition to this or that peculiar lust, but a universal humble frame and temper of heart, with watchfulness over every evil and for the performance of every duty, that is accepted."

-John Owen [the mortification of sin]

"i'm ok"

i've been thinking about our level of honesty in fellowship.
i'm not about to drag out the old "let's just be real with each other" and turn every "how are you?" into a conversation about your struggles.

but it's interesting the more christian people i talk to, and the deeper we get into friendship and fellowship, and when we start to share how we are really doing and what is really bothering us, most people are on the same page. it's not the page we all talk about but it's more a place of confusion and problems.

most of us know more intellectually than we're living out.
most of us struggle to have a warm heart.
most of us are fighting off some kind of inappropriate lust.
most of us think that the people 'of the world' have more 'life' in them.
most of us find it really hard to read and pray regularly for a decent amount of time.
most of us are scared to admit that we're fallible and vincible.

and i'm not advocating what Jonathan calls "spiritual strip tease" whereby we bear all our flaws to everyone every sunday. but i'm completely convinced that within our smaller circles of fellowship it's essential to have this honesty. because before long we'll be convinced that Jesus came to call the righteous, not sinners and The Doctor came for the healthy, not the sick. and if we spend all our time talking as if we are the (perfect) people we want to be, then we'll never be helped to actually grow into those people.

Why Don’t You Love Me? - Beyoncé

despite being vocally outstanding, Beyoncé's new song Why Don’t You Love Me is beautifully honest. it's a one-sided discource between a woman and a man. and she's asking the question:

Why don't you love me?
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
When I make me so damn easy to need?

somewhere at the end of all the games we play, we all do come face to face with this problem:
"i'm trying my hardest, but i'm not enough.
and i really really really want to be loved"