the difficulty of repentance

why am i so reluctant to come back to God?

How can my heart be so short-sighted that I can choose anything over eternal joy? I know (for certain) that repenting and coming back to God is not just right, but it’s good. I know that taking those difficult steps to say to Him “I’m sorry, I’ve tried to wander off again” and taking that time out to hear His word will be infinitely worthwhile. I know that drawing near to Him is right (James 4:8) and I know that before long I’ll be rejoicing in clarity and hope and peace and love and forgiveness. but I don’t do it. I’m sure I’m not the only one who stumbles back to Him with plans in my mind of how I’ll run away next time.
I’m so amazed by my love of sin.
at the points of strongest friendship with God there is nothing about sin that I desire. It’s not as if I spend my time with God convincing myself I’m happy; I am happy, I have all I need (Him). But before that stage my heart says “no. you’re going to miss out. He can’t be trusted” and I listen.
It’s better now to live for and with God, it’s better in eternity. It’s worse for me now to live in sin (“what benefit did you gain from the things that you are now ashamed of?”) and in eternity it’s horrific (“those things result in death”).
I am like the people in Zechariah 7:12 who made their hearts “diamond hard”
and I need to hear God’s call from 1:4 “return from your evil ways and from your evil deeds”.
But to do that I need a new heart. I can’t choose that or do that on my own. I need a saviour from a murdered in my ribcage. I need a heart of blood and life and flesh and muscle. And I need to be taken by the hand and lead back to my Father.