new year, new location

it's not really a new location, but it's the old new one.
i'm back in london, as of december 31st.
summer and christmas and sibling wedding back in australia and now i'm 'home' again in tops of 1°C.
i got sick the other day, probably because despite being off work i haven't had much more than an hour to myself in a few months and i didn't catch up on much sleep. but that's not what this is, this isn't a journal.

so i came home to a much quieter setting with less motivation to go outside and i got thinking about sin.
mostly because i do sin and so it comes to mind.

i didn't know what terms to give it or how to express it.
i am always saddened by my sin and surprised by it.
how i keep choosing to hurt my Maker and Father and Saviour.
and i thought about how i have always been sinning and before God intervened i was just swimming in it without any changes.
and i guess the residue death that i keep seeing shows me how badly i needed saving.

if even after i've been picked up out of a pit and washed off and had my stone heart melted and made flesh and have experienced and loved hundreds of blessings and promises, after the Holy Spirit has made His home in me, if even then i still run at full speed away from God - how badly must i need a saviour?

it's something like we're speeding in a car and we jump out and hit the ground and roll. and for hours and days and weeks the inertia keeps us going and going and going. and after a while you reflect as you are still propelled, spinning and rolling and you think 'just how fast must i have been travelling before, if even now i'm seeing the effects?'
and i think that's me.
that's me seeing God's kindness in my sin, not that it still condemns me (even though it feels like it should) but that it keeps me seeing my need for Jesus and it should keep me thankful for Him and what He's pulled me out of.